Sundown

 Sundowning is never pretty

Last day

 This is my last day off work. The only thing I accomplished was staying alive. That's good enough.

I work for one of the big discount retailers. Been there going on for 7 years now. I like it there. My management team is good, the people in my department are good, I have friends in other departments too. People care. Makes it easier to go to work.

Personally, I would love to not work again. A life of leisure would suit me just fine. Don't see that happening. I will probably be one of those people that will have to work until they die. I will not be able to survive on Social Security, I did not work for over 20 years so I do not have any savings. Not interested in any get quick scheme. 

My fear almost came true

 Last weekend I was at work when I realized something was wrong. I thought my face was swelling and could not figure out what I could possibly be reacting to. I left work and drove to my granddaughter's house and she took me to ER. I knew then it was more than a simple swelling. 

They took one look at me and started stroke protocols. CT scan, chest x-ray, IV in both arms. The doctor came in after the CT scan and said that I was having a stroke and said because I was in the 3-hour window that I was a good candidate for tPA (tissue plasminogen activator). Before he could say anything else I told him to go ahead. I already knew of the dangers of using it, I also knew of risks of NOT using it. It was a decision I had made years before. 

OMG. I was on fire. My back started spasming, I was nauseous. My head felt like it was going to explode. It all settled down and I was able to relax. I looked at my finger because it was feeling weird and the tip of my finger was swelling. It looked like a balloon about to pop. I am saying something about it and they looked at my face. My mask was snatched off and they start looking down my throat. Face swelling. Eye swelling, Throat swelling but I was not having trouble breathing.

Another CT scan, this one with contrast to check to see if I needed "rotor rooting".  If I did I would be transported to another hospital. That was good. Up to ICU where I was monitored every 15 minutes, then 30 minutes, then 12 hours of every hour. No sleep for the wicked! An echo to check my heart, speech therapy to see if I could swallow then an MRI with and without contrast to check for damage. 

I'm good. 

My fear was dying or becoming incapacitated for a long time. I am not afraid to die, I am afraid of leaving my husband alone. He is not capable of taking care of himself for the long run. What will happen to him? I already know. The vultures will swoop in and pick him dry. He would be unable to get his medicine and no one would care. Well, Brook would but she has her hands full with 2 children and a baby soon to be born.

I have to live.

Another year

 I am another year older, no celebrations for me. None expected. My husband bought me a card and a cake just before the day was over. He did not remember that I hate carrot cake so now he has a cake to eat. 

Yes, he is still driving. At this time he is still capable of that. I am not sure how much longer that will last. So many changes to come and I am truly not ready. How do you get ready to change from a wife to a caretaker of someone that may not remember you at all? 

Today is a good day so far. He commented he has been sleeping better since starting his medication. 

I am slowly getting things done around here that have been neglected. New shades are now hung in my bedroom. I will be picking out my paint tomorrow. I am going with shades of blue and silver for the colors. I will only be able to paint 1 wall at a time as I am totally rearranging the room.

I know I am just random talking. Not much of a storyteller these days. Maybe someday I can get back to writing a complete narrative instead of disjointed thoughts popping out.

The dryer is done. Be back later.

Official

 So it is official. The doctor has officially diagnosed my husband with dementia. He said it is mild. He has prescribed Aricept for him. Hopefully, it helps. 

It was hard to hear the news. I already knew it. Having the doctor say it out loud made it all the more real. I was talking to the doctor on the phone trying to finish getting ready for work when he told me. I was so distracted that I actually wore shoes of different colors to work. 

Tonight was a bad night. There is no gas in the area. Pat decided to go to town to see his daughter. I have told him for several days there is no gas don't drive anywhere. The car is sitting at a gas station about 10 miles from home. To make matters worse he was trying to get home on a road that is closed. I have been telling him for over a week that the road is closed. 

He has no concept of time right now. Be warned. If he has your number he might call at the strangest time. 

He does mashups on his memories. Sometimes he combines true memories, sometimes he combines a false memory with a true memory.

I wonder if I am strong enough for this.

April's Fool

 April Fools Day. No one tricked me, no one tried. I'm just old I guess

Slap in the face

 So I was sitting here all gloomy and basically, I was woe is meing and I read this:

"So I’m laying here in bed on this crisp beautiful Wednesday morning looking out of my window and I’m thinking to myself what a time to be alive. Im up and walking I’ve got energy and I’m just extremely thankful and happy and it dawns on me that today is Wednesday and I DON’T have to go to dialysis. As a matter of fact, unless something goes extremely wrong, I never have to go back to dialysis. You guys know how much I hate it there. Life changed for me quick. Within a week to be exact. And that right there is why I don’t determine how life is going to go for me because things can change just like that. That’s my positive ramble for this day. Lol!! Good Morning people, I’m home, with my new kidney."

I am sitting here ugly crying. My friend has a new life and I am feeling sorry for myself? Life is too short, I can't waste it.

too much

 Yesterday was too much, today won't be much better.

We had to get up early (early for Pat) to drive my husband to the VA in Murfreesboro to get his second COVID vaccine. He starts in on how he does not like leaving the house alone and his cat, Marco-his baby, outside. Had to listen to that throughout breakfast at the Waffle House. Finally, he stopped talking about it.

We had a beautiful drive to Murfreesboro. Monteagle mountain was a sight! Frozen waterfalls thawing out as the temperatures were in the upper 40s. I saw several sheets of ice crystals crashing into the ground shattering like glass. The ice and snow the past week took their toll on trees and the roads. Potholes were bigger and more frequent than the trip up there just a month before. Trees were down, limbs snapped from the storm. Guardrails wiped out and need replacing.

The VA now has one way in and one way out. The way in takes you all around the campus to get to the gym where the COVID clinic is being held. Once there I drop Pat at the door and park. They were not allowing anyone in with him. He forgot his paperwork. I had to take it up to the door and they took it to him. Waiting time. Sitting in the car in the parking lot, no shade because trees without leaves do not give shade. Three hours later he is ready. 

The drive home. We stopped at Logan's Roadhouse in Manchester to eat. Brook gets ahold of me to let me know that she was taking Kaylee to ER. She had a temp of 104 and a knot on her belly. My heart! Sweet baby. I felt so helpless.

Kaylee was admitted to the hospital. She has an abscess that will need to have surgery on. Her Mommy's heart is broken. My heart hurts for both of them. 

Pat is having a reaction to the COVID vaccine. It is a normal response. He is having fever and chills right now. I called out of work as I know he won't be able to do anything. He is truly not used to being sick except for man flu and we all know that is just fake crap.

I had to cancel Pat's appointment today with his kidney doctor. Fever means no showing up! His kidney function has gotten considerably worse in the past year and he has a possible kidney stone. One kidney is also swollen. 

My new bed was delivered today. For some reason, I don't know how I missed it, I have a queen base and a full mattress. Will be dealing with the furniture store later this week about that. 

Rain pours- you know how it is.

It is a beautiful day outside though. 57°F right now, sunny with a high of 70°F predicted for today. I am ready for Spring!

Beautiful news.

 I have a granddaughter named Brook. She has two beautiful children, a boy, and a girl. That means two great-grandchildren. They all make me happy Brook has another little one coming in August. I feel for her. August is so hot in Georgia! 

Her pregnancy has not been easy so far. She suffered from COVID and nausea. Her back hurts and she has nausea. The nausea is easing up now but the back hurts. I was afraid of this. She had back labor with the second one and the epidural did not work. She leaked spinal fluid. Hopefully, it will ease up some. She also has SVT, supraventricular tachycardia. She has to take medicine for that. 

IT'S A GIRL AND WILL BE NAMED ALICE MAE

Garbage day is tomorrow

 Tomorrow is garbage day. Actually, today is, it is after midnight. Pat carried some garbage out for me and was upset. He called me to tell me that it wasn't picked up last week and wanted to know if I had paid the bill. I had. It is paid until July. He had forgotten that he took some down late last week after garbage had been picked up. It took several times of telling him the order of what happened and that Wednesday is garbage day. I think he has it...until he forgets again.

Yes, he has dementia. It is not officially diagnosed yet. I have to call again to reschedule his cognitive test as COVID quarantine (mine) caused it to be canceled. Chances are he will pass it. They aren't living it and can't see it happening.

His mother, three of her sisters, and two of her brothers all had dementia. Four of the six were diagnosed with Alzheimer's. My mind was prepared for cardiac disease and lung disease, this, I wasn't ready for. 

His family won't see it. He is not close (physically) enough for them to witness it. Brook sees it. He calls her and texts her. He loses me and it worries him. He is trying to hold on to what he has because I believe he is afraid of losing them, the cats, me, his stuff. 

For 28 years I have listened to his stories-they are changing.

I'm not ready.

Morning sadness

 I am sad this morning. 

Last night, or rather this morning, I received a series of texts from my husband asking me where I was, worried about me because of the time, then a third text telling me he is not waiting on me anymore to eat. A minute late he texts my granddaughter asking if she knew where I was. I was in bed.

Two hours before the texts came I had gone to bed, to sleep, just 25 feet away from him.

I came home from work and made pizza. I was tired and just wanted a quick meal. I knew he had probably not had anything to eat other than cookies. Why cookies? I don't know. He will eat sweets and not reheat any meals I make him or any frozen dinners. There are some days he leaves and gets food at Bojangles or Waffle House. 

We had an argument. Endora(black cat) was gagging. He insisted that she must be hurt inside because of the dog that had attacked her. He proceeded to tell me of the dog attack by a husky-like dog in our driveway. He said the dog had her entire head in his mouth and was shaking her. He said it belongs to the people in the doublewide. He then claimed he shot the dog dead.

SMH

The truth is, he is partly describing an incident that happened 10 years ago. Our small dog Scampi was attacked by a husky type dog in our driveway. The dog belonged to his cousin. The dog he shot and killed- happened 20 years ago. It was attacking our goats. 

This morning. He just got up. 

I want my happy back.